we were tapping doorknobs like ghosts,
afraid of fire,
afraid to enter the room
afraid of becoming engulfed
but we are not a body of water
I used to compare you to an ocean
I used to want to sink
I used to dream that you’d run over me
now separated by state lines
this is my way back into you
trailed only by a few nights
spent fully clothed in the same bed,
one night haunted by fresh wounds,
I’ve always grappled with the idea
of being close to you
if I tell you all my secrets
will you promise not to lie?
the weight of my trust issues lingers like a tide
foam coating the sand,
foam making me blind
I want to believe that after awhile, it just stays dead. But visits to your pieces of my life always leave me feeling gutted, like my abdomen is still ripping open even though it feels like there is nothing in it. After awhile, heartbreak just feels like a kick in the shins or an indian burn. A sore throat. An ear infection. Emotions are just a chronic complication in the terminal illness of life.
it’s nights like these
(becoming every night)
when i most feel the mass
of your absence
like deadweight on my bones
you are joints cracking
easy as bumping a toe
i’ve looked up handbooks for
detangling a person from your life
detailing the trimming process
snip snip snip
and your life will be like this:
you are alone
and your branches are bare
but your roots are still strong
and you’ll spend your nights missing the leaves
but imagine all that sunlight
(you forgot what it felt like)
and your bark may grow thick
but the warmth still gets in
and your roots are learning to love the soil again
you are deciduous but you will one day grow to be lovely
Okay I know this has literally been talked about a million times but I just have to point something out for a second.
Does anyone else remember the time before “like” became a thing? It actually wasn’t that long ago. There was a time, first on myspace, then briefly on facebook, before instagram or tumblr or twitter or any of that, when there were two options when someone posted a picture:
- don’t comment
And everyone was perfectly okay with that and we all went on about our day without ever once thinking that we were missing something. Cue the invention of the “like” button, that innocent little thumbs-up that started off being available on statuses and pictures and turned into comments and eventually became the COMPLETE FUCKING NIGHTMARE THAT IT IS TODAY.
I spent a fair amount of time on instagram today checkin’ out what everyone was up to, clicking around, and I discovered this girl who is currently a senior in high school (which seems to be the worst of the “like for like” generation; people born in ‘95-‘96) and she had nothing short of 120 likes on any given picture she had posted, regardless of the fact that she had posted at least 6 pictures of herself at the exact same party doing the exact same thing over and over again. I’m sorry, but what the fuck? Last week I got 27 likes on a picture I posted (the most I’ve ever gotten, by the way) and I was pretty sure I was like famous or something. Not to toot my own horn, or anything, but 27 likes? That makes me popular, right? Maybe?
Naturally, I felt some research was in order. I started with all the nicest people I know who are my own age (born ‘92-‘93) and found that those, the most likable and lovely people, still had no more than 40 or 50 likes on their most popular pictures. So I moved on to the funniest, the ones who post silly pictures, etc. Same thing, no more than 40 or 50. Then the “hottest” people my own age who I know. There were slightly more, but nothing more than 60 likes or so. Is the only difference in our age? What is going on? Looking through the people who generally like my pictures, I realize it’s mostly my friends who are still in high school.
I don’t know where this was ultimately going, but I guess it’s just a comment on the decline of “comments.” (ha ha) I mean, I think it shows how much more impersonal our online relationships are? Or like, our relationships in general? Facebook even invented “close friends” so that among the jumble of having 800 friends on facebook, I will be notified if my best friend changes her profile picture. But I’m also the one who added 800 people so that I could be privy to all of their online information, so I don’t know why I’m talking.
I’ll just stop now.
HE PUTS ALL THE LECTURE NOTES ONLINE YOU DUMB FUCK WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING RIGHT NOW YOU WANT TO GO DOWNTOWN AND GET GROCERIES AND FACE MAKEUP FOR THE COSTUME PARTY WHY WOULD YOU GO TO CLASS.
And you hoist yourself up onto your bed, which is harder than it sounds because your bed is lofted, and you wrap yourself up in a blanket and decide to spend the time you could be spending in class or downtown on tumblr. Is there a quiz today? You don’t know. You don’t even really care.
You had weird dreams last night so you’re in an off mood anyway, and as time goes on you sail through the feeling guilty phase and sink right into ahhh yes, I’m glad I got this foam mattress pad. I wish I had better posture, though.
And you start thinking about all the things you could do today. The world is your oyster. You could
- write your personal statements so you can finish your transfer app
- start on your homework that’s due tomorrow so you’re not doing it right before class
- catch up on some reading from your silly music class or maybe listen to some excerpts
- download some new music of my own
- make some beats?!
- get drunk
And that’s when you realize. You’re getting drunk today.
your body is a mystery
I’ll never have the pleasure of knowing
If you were willing to hold a flame
roasting the core of my body in something
I think of as secret, guarded
Would it be the consummation of fate
Or just a selfish wish
Under the weight of a promise,
I bind myself shut;
in a past life,
I think you might have been a bear
something soft but rugged
searching for a perfect grove
to call home
Killing only what you need—
You’re a gentle animal, after all,
hovering over prey like a child,
The way I feel you hover over me in my mind.
No amount of waiting will be long enough
We will always be like this
Every night you flicker in my mind
under the guise of a friend;
I wait for you in my dreams
a silent sort of hope
I feel myself lose more and more
but I’m grateful—
the noose of my love for you
I’ve only ever wanted
To make a ripple,
A gentle whisper of a tide
In your mind.
Instead, I spun out like a tidal wave,
Crashing in your head
Like a land mine.
I’ve only ever wanted
To be a someone.
I ended up a ghost,
Howling behind a love song,
Where this world meets the next room,
Where only longer wavelengths carry through.
What I never realized
Is that it takes real courage
To mean anything to you.
So I’ll steel myself for battle if I have to;
I’m bored with waiting on a thousand tomorrows
With a thousand promises of progress,
Who only shrivel into todays,
And wane further into yesterdays.
How many times have I fallen asleep,
Lulled only into dreaming by hopes for something better?
I’m wasting life barking,
Too afraid to take a bite.
Oh! (: youuuu should fill it out!
Name: that’s a secret, remember?
Location: I split time between Santa Cruz when I’m at school and Los Angeles when I’m at home
Favorite band(s): Cold War Kids, Radiohead, Crystal Castles, The Faint
Favorite book(s): T.S. Eliot things, Write Bloody publishing, Francesca Lia Block books, Chuck Palahniuk, Alice Hoffman, Augusten Burroughs
Favorite blog(s): this is difficult to answer, I realize too late now, because what kind of blog am I asking for? I don’t even know. For real live blogs, I enjoy Hyperbole and a Half. For fake blogs, my favorite is puppyluver43 aka Tia.
Are you a vegan/vegetarian: I am an omnivore
Do you like to have sex followed by naked, sweaty cuddles: that is one of my favorite pastimes!
Do you laugh more often than you cry: yes, I laugh a lot
Do you know how to make a friend in ten minutes or less: I like to think that I do; I suppose it depends upon the person I’m trying to befriend
Do you smoke cigarettes: I used to, but I half-quit and now I only smoke them when I’m drunk or fucked up somehow
Do you smoke ganja: more often now than I used to
Do you drink: indeed I do
Do you do drugs: not as often as I used to
Please list your favorite drink/drug (if applicable): I really like mixed drinks that are sour/fizzy, but my favorite must be a White Russian, The Dude style. And I like to roll a lot, and fry, but gooming is my favorite.
Are you willing to spend time with someone who is stubborn: depending upon what they’re stubborn about
Do you totally hate astrology: I can’t stand it
Do you have a problem with eyeliner or black clothes: I wear them both on the reg
Will you read my shitty poetry if I send it to you: I love to read anyone’s poetry